Simp Sums
by Zarius
Summary: When Edna's maths programme becomes the standard method of teaching the subject to all classes, Lisa pushes for the more recent methods to be used, leading to a contest between two teams to determine which challenges help sort the mind out the most.
1. Chapter 1

**THE SIMPSONS:**

 **SIMP SUMS**

 **WRITTEN BY ZARIUS**

 **Disclaimer: The Simpsons are trademarked by FOX. All rights reserved**

* * *

 **CHAPTER ONE**

Ned petted his dog as it nestled against his lap lovingly. He leaned back on his couch and looked over at the photographs of his two lost loves, Maude and Edna.

He sighed, and continued to bask in the barks of the alert and active pet rustling about, trying to make itself comfortable.

Ned was having trouble casting his mind back. He didn't know which of his two leading ladies to settle on.

Was Edna's passing perhaps too raw a memory?

Was Maude's tragedy too much to bear?

He thought about the timeline, had it been a few months in between all of that?

A year?

He knew he really shouldn't keep adding question marks to every sentence cobbled together in his head.

He was a man who believed in a divine spirit that held all the answers to life after all.

And then the thought occurred to him.

Answers.

And in that instance of thought, he knew what to cast his mind back to.

He made a quick prayer asking for Maude to forgive him for putting second before first, but he elected to settle on Edna.

And her _notes_.

He abruptly got up, allowing his dog to gently and lazily collapse in a heap on the floor, and walked over to a locked desk in a study wing of his house. He took the key to the desk from its spot chained underneath the sharpened beard of a crystal clear glass statue of Jesus, it even had a name on the label, naming it "Mary".

He took the key and swiftly unlocked the desk.

Inside was a big black notebook with partially torn white labeling, reading 'Answers'

Ned flicked through the pages, and let his love for Edna warm his heart like a blessed sunbeam.

The book contained answers to conundrums pertaining to mathematics, it was these kind of challenges Edna routinely laid out to Rodd and Todd on what she liked to call 'Crap Thursdays' before a 'Good Friday', so as to give them some much needed mental stimulation before a day of play and prayer, but it also contained small poems Edna would conjure up reflecting on her mixed blessings in life. From failed to flourishing relationships.

Ned, however, was on a mission, and he skimmed to the portion of the book he was looking for. The reasoning and inspiration for Edna's most personal of projects

A quote from Maryland University Professor Manil Suri.

Ned read the passage in Edna's voice.

' _Think of it this way: you can appreciate art without acquiring the ability to paint, or enjoy a symphony without being able to read music. Math also deserves to be enjoyed for its own sake, without being constantly subjected to the question, "When will I use this?"_

 _Sadly, few avenues exist in our society to expose us to mathematical beauty. In schools, as I've heard several teachers lament, the opportunity to immerse students in interesting mathematical ideas is usually jettisoned to make more time for testing and arithmetic drills. The subject rarely appears in the news media or the cultural arena. Often, when math shows up in a novel or a movie, I am reminded of Chekhov's proverbial gun: make sure the mathematician goes crazy if you put one in. Hanging thickly over everything is the gloom of math anxiety._

-Manil Suri.

Ned focused on the various concerns in the quote.

 _These_ were what he aimed to remedy.

He'd spent too long settling while others slipped from his grasp.

Now he would take the initiative.

The command had come before, he had answered then, he would do so now.

Edna's way had proven to be the sum of all things.

It's time everyone else shared in that. And prospered.

He would push for Springfield Elementary to adapt Edna's mathematics programme as their defining one. Across all of their classes. In her memory.

This latest idea wasn't going to be exactly Praiseland, but he had a satisfactory feeling that it would _be_ praised.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

* * *

Ned was never one to underestimate his flock, to convince Rodd and Todd to go along with his ambition was key.

He assembled them at the dinner table later that day for a family brunch, offering them some homemade oatmeal, made at just the right heart-warming temperature, and waited until they were fully settled into their meal.

"Now boys" he said, "Your old herder here has been thinking of giving a bit of our family's second coming to the community, and I was wondering if you'd be ok with that?"

Todd sensed what was happening, and gave Ned a concerned look.

"You're going to give away something? But we were in such a charitable mood last week...and it left me in a real mood afterwards" said Todd

"Yes, well, when you give away the last of your cradle mementos to give another joyous bundle a blessing, you _can_ get a little territorial, but it was required because people are wired to require certain things that can drive them to the best kinds of distraction in life…something that sharpens their attentive spirit."

"There's that spirit talk again, we'd better call ahead" Rodd said, and clasped his hands in prayer. Todd joined him.

"Hey, hey, wait and hear YOUR father before asking for the all-father" said Ned, "I'm talking about something that all us down on this Earth have to deal with at many a juncture…to cope with taxes, shopping bills, internet pay…"

"We know the value of money already Dad" said Rodd.

"…And working out what longitude and latitude is when co-coordinating a flight path or a manned mission to space, where the big guy dwells"

"…What do they all involve?" asked Todd

"Numbers" said Ned, "It's all about numbers, it's wired into our human brains, we crave it, we require it to make us function, and I think your other Mommy did a great job of catering to those needs, so I've decided to share the tests she gave you, and give everyone at Springfield Elementary a real polish"

Todd's tears flowed almost on cue in the predictive mind-set Ned was working on. The penny had dropped, now he had to make sure something stayed in the air. He needed his children on cloud nine, backing him one hundred percent.

Rodd comforted his brother.

"But that's something we enjoyed as a family, a private little bundle of joy, if it belongs to everyone else, we won't feel as special" Rodd protested.

"Your other mother was a very special lady Rodd, we can't deny her passion to the same community that thought of her in just as highly" Ned countered, "Besides, what's the first thing you learned about God?"

"He thinks we're all special?" Rodd asked.

"Bingo" said Ned. "It's never 'no special treatment', it's _all_ special treatment"

"Well gosh…gosh DAMN it" said Todd.

Ned was taken back, and his frustration at the tiniest morsel of blasphemy colored his composure for a slight couple of seconds. He tried to calm himself.

"Now Todd, you're angry right now, but don't worry, we can…" Ned started, but Todd was rebellious enough in this instance not to let him have a word in.

"I don't want to hear it, Mommy Edna wanted to better only us" Todd said, and stormed out of the room.

"Perhaps you should use the miracle analogy on him" said Rodd.

"Good idea" said Ned.

Ned made his way over to Todd's room to find his youngest child cradling his pillow on top of the bed, awash with tears.

"I can't blame you for that outburst, I can only blame myself, I know how much those tests meant to you, but surely you can understand how much appeal they'll have to others too? It's a gift, it makes the most out of the miracle…don't you know that's what maths are?"

"A miracle?" asked Todd, looking back at him.

"Yes, the miracle of life. God fashioned us and the whole universe out of emptiness, from a number of zero he created the first two in line on this planet, Adam and Eve, and from there it spilled out into threes and fours, then Cain sort of made the first subtraction with Abel, but that's beside the point…" Ned explained.

"So it was like a chain reaction? Like that Diana Ross song?" said Todd.

"Exactly. It's what they call, according to Edna's notes, 'Creatio ex nihilo'"

"So Mom was sort of teaching us how God used maths to make something out of us?"

"Yes, and now we have to give that gift back to those who need God's guidance"

"When you put it that way, I guess I'm all for it" Todd replied.

Ned picked Todd up and embraced him.

"There's my brave little toaster" said a beaming and proud Ned as Rodd looked on outside, smiling and giving his father a thumbs up.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE**

* * *

Seymour Skinner stared at the folder in front of him. His hands pressed deep beneath his chin.

He gazed in just about every possible direction except face front.

Superintendent Charmers was towering over him.

" _Complications_ " Chalmers icily whispered.

Skinner continued to avert his gaze, and slowly wiggled his ear trying to wring the venomous sting of the whispering out.

"Complications" Chalmers continued, a little louder this time.

The word was causing a tingle all through Skinner's innards.

Charmers reached into his briefcase perched on the red chair to the left of Skinner's desk and pulled out a copy of an eight page test paper.

"This is _not_ a complication Skinner" Chalmers said, slamming the paper on the table. "You know what a complication is? Let me tell you about a dream I had…only I realized something at the end. Imagine waking up, seeing all these people around you, thinking to yourself 'hey, I might as well say hello, or a word that may _sound_ like a hello', then I say 'goodbye' just like that, or something that sounds similar. And then there's nothing but a black spec, and no sound.  Silence. I can't compose a single solitary thought. You know what I am Skinner?"

"Bart Simpson on the typical siesta that's passed for most of his young life?" asked Skinner

"I'm a baby" said Chalmers.

"Well you _do_ have one of those fresh faces" Skinner said, trying to be cute.

"No, I'm a baby who's experienced death at birth" Chalmers corrected him, "Children dying before they even have the faintest grasp of life Seymour, THAT is a complication. Not this" he said, pointing to the exam paper, "This is not meant to be that hard"

"Well the students should be more attentive so that their minds are sharp enough to meet the challenge head on" said Skinner.

"Seymour, do you want me to share with you another dream I have?" said Chalmers.

"We are such things as dreams are made of" Skinner said.

"Oh I know, individuals like you act as a sort of storage cloud for every amount of negative critique and nit-pick I and many like me can throw at the very insignificant things that pick at the calmer corners of our cortex, and the supreme regret is that there is just the right amount of small yet significant streak of dignity coursing through us that makes us not try, even in our most desperate of hours, to take a pin and burst that cloud. Want to know what my dream is?"

"I've a feeling it's the same as my nightmare a couple of days ago" said Skinner.

"Would you like to stay on that murky cloud 9 without any danger of having it popped?" asked Chalmers.

"I'd like to think dreams can come true" Skinner replied.

"Then find me a maths course that isn't a crash course" said Chalmers.

As he left the office, Skinner wiped the sweat that he'd been steadily trying to rein in from his brow.

His phone suddenly rang. He picked it up.

"Hello" he said. "Ah Mr. Flanders…yes…yes I made sure to keep your last call from this morning in mind, what were you willing to propose to me?"

What ended up being proposed to him on the phone from Flanders made him beam.

Dreams could come true indeed.

And that dreary cloud in his mind's eye transmogrified into a crisp, clear woollen white.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR**

* * *

"Why aren't you taking any milk with that?" Lisa asked as Bart took a spoon and dug deep into his bowl of dry krispies as the Simpsons children gathered at the breakfast table.

"I'm trying to cut something out of my diet" replied Bart.

"But Milk's one of the most important things to take in the morning"

"Relax sis, I still drink plenty of Mom's moist and fruity liquids" said Bart.

"That probably sounded better in your nose" Lisa said.

"…Don't you mean brain?" said Bart.

"I don't think you have anything that passes for one. I think all that matter got turned to mushed up mucus and drips straight out of your nose" Lisa continued.

"You seem to be acting awfully like a pesky sister this morning, what's the occasion?" Bart asked.

"Oh, nothing much, just looking forward to the new class-wide Maths programme the school has announced to replace the current option…I feel like a kid, rare for my personality, so I might as well act like one, knowing it'll be even more difficult to process for the little babies in the place that profess to be men and yet squirm at the first thing that tests their metal" Lisa cackled.

Marge was a tad concerned about Lisa's boastful attitude.

"Lisa, you shouldn't deem people with real difficulty with these sorts of tests as being restricted by any lack of maturity" she advised.

"Why not? Too many of them were complaining about the programme last time, saying it was too hard, and I've read previews of the new programme online, it doesn't seem to be kowtowing too much to their more simplistic needs" Lisa continued.

Bart took the opportunity to pour OJ in her cereal while she was engaged in her spiel.

"Lisa, maths doesn't need to be difficult to process…it's a bit like falling in love actually" Marge replied

"I don't follow" said Lisa.

"Ever heard of the three Ps?" said Marge.

"No" Lisa replied.

"Pride, Proactive, and Provokable" Marge continued, "Being proud to be you is very important, one matchmaking website recorded around 5,000 comparisons and found most women who prided themselves in their differences got more ratings than people who were stereo-typically 'hot'"

"Are you suggesting I'm not attractive?" Lisa asked, "Bart routinely makes me feel ugly things _inside_ , and even he knows I'm not that on the outside" she continued, placing one hand on Bart's shoulder

"Aw man" Bart said, feeling guilty, and swapped Lisa's OJ drenched bowl of cereal with his own, but not before adding milk to it.

"Not in the slightest little Lady, and that that brings me to proactive, you constantly rely on your own confidence in your attractiveness to seek out a perfect compatible person, usually also trying to match that with a compatible I.Q, a perfect number and a perfect guy."

"Both rarely exist, but I don't stop trying" Lisa said.

"Which then takes us to the third essential number…provokable, stick to your guns and have long lasting conversations with the person you care about, even if that person may not measure up to a compatible and desired number"

"Are you simply telling me to make more friends with the lesser-minded in class?" said Lisa.

"You already attract a lot with less to you Lisa, need I remind you of Nelson or Ralph?" said Bart.

"I thought for sure you'd have said Milhouse" said Lisa.

"Hey, he's my buddy, and I know his crush irks you, so I'm fully in his camp" Bart gloated.

"Stick to your three Ps Lisa, think it over, the true maths test is using the numbers to move forward in life, not just in ambition" Marge advised.

"I'll try to put up with the sum of their parts then" said Lisa.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE**

* * *

The trip from home to school via Otto's bus route was, as usual, packed with problems. Unruly students, banal chatter, and Otto the driver himself was occupied with the sound of his own voice covering a thousand heavy metal numbers.

Sometimes he would start a song, and half way through one set of lyrics, completely switch to another track in his mind and start bellowing out the middle or end lyrics of that song instead.

Lisa was sitting next to Bart, who was leaning over to talk to Milhouse, who was sitting behind him, trapped in a headlock by Nelson.

"How's the endurance going?" asked Bart.

Milhouse tried to respond, but the tightness on his neck as Nelson applied the hold was keen to crush whatever effort a combination of air and a tenacious spirit could muster.

"We've been at it a good fifteen minutes" said Nelson, "I relieve the hold every two just to keep him breathing"

"Do you only do that so Lisa will approve of the quality of mercy?" asked Bart.

Nelson blushed. He knew what Lisa thought of him, knew what she had felt for him. However, what small trace of guilt intruding on his inner conscience was steadily driving him to apply a tighter hold on Milhouse, almost as if to spite that vulnerable side to him.

"I think he wants you to stage an intervention" said Bart as he turned back to Lisa.

"Settle down there Muntz, I think he's proven his worth by now" said Lisa.

"So I impressed you then?" asked an exhausted Milhouse as Nelson released the grip and kicked him off his seat on the coach. Milhouse dusted himself off and leapt on to Bart and Lisa's seat.

"That was for me?" asked Lisa, a bit puzzled.

"A lot of your interests are pulling together, to see which one can take a beating, that way we can take the real beating, that of our hearts for you" said Milhouse

"Oh brother" Lisa said.

"Might as well trade down now" Nelson said, and beckoned for someone else to come over.

Lisa peered around and let out a gasp as Ralph walked over.

"Oh no, Nelson, don't…please, not Ralph" she said.

Ralph gleefully entered the headlock.

"No, no, Ralph, this isn't a friendly game, get out of that" Lisa said.

"It's ok Lisa, Bart told me this is how his dad greets him after a rough day" the innocent young Wiggum responded.

"Only whenever Bart makes his day rougher" replied Lisa.

"You mean it's not like play?" asked Ralph.

Lisa shook her head.

Ralph bit into Nelson's fingers as he tried to tighten the hold, and squirmed free.

"Thanks for putting up a warning sign" said Ralph.

"No problem" Lisa said, "You behave yourself in class today will you? Don't want a repeat of the maths problem last time"

"What was that about anyway?" asked Bart.

"Ralph cheated on the last test by peering over at the answer book whenever he went over to sharpen his pencil. I caught him doing it, so did a couple of the girls, I didn't say anything but he got confronted with it over the lunch break. One of the girls punched him in the face" Lisa explained.

Bart shuddered. "Beaten by a girl…might as well not bother picking up your man card at that age"

"So long as he knows cheating doesn't make you any more of a man than taking a few necessary lumps" said Lisa.

"Lumps go with sugar" Ralph replied back. Lisa giggled.

"They do indeed" she quietly spoke.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX**

* * *

As the time came for a gathering of the school assembly, the children took to their seats early to chat amongst themselves.

Lisa was positioned in the far right of the seating arrangements; sitting next to her was most of her class, though not one in the aligned row was talking to her.

At this stage of her long life attending Elementary, it was something she was accustomed to.

The star pupil, and yet the envy of every other one of that sort in her class, and thus a prime candidate for shutting out.

There had been exceptions, but they never seemed to stick. Almost as if some cruel God played 'reset roulette' with her life.

And then she thought a little longer about it.

It seemed to affect every one of their lives.

That cruel God. Those twists of fate.

Always taking away the option to expand and explore new horizons.

It had to have an endgame. It just had to.

Lisa was at the age now where she felt no matter how many days passed and years went by, she wouldn't truly learn or build from what was given to her at all.

She wondered if it was her choice to be this way. Some sort of subconscious barrier.

Ideas about whether or not she was in charge of her own karmic influences, picking and choosing which days to call good and bad.

"Greetings children" said Principal Skinner as he took the podium, "In just a short while, we'll be hearing a classic hymn from the cream of the Lovejoy church choir crop, but in the meantime, I'd like to take this opportunity to inform you that as of this week, the Maths programme that you have apparently been struggling with all semester will be rendered inactive"

Euphoria filled the room. Yells of gleeful triumph and ecstatic energy resonated past the assembly hall and through the corridors of the elementary. The noise could have shattered all windows in a more imaginative and chaos-ridden world. A more animated one you could say.

Lisa didn't feel so boundless.

"Instead" Skinner said, attempting to continue, but allowed the noise to reach its apex before cruelly smiting it with what he followed up his news with.

"Instead, we will be initiating a new programme, one created by one of our dearly departed educators. Already field-tested on some students who have adjusted well to its challenges" he continued.

Lisa dared to put her hand up, to inquire, to question, and, possibly also, to challenge.

"What was so problematic with the maths exams we had last time? We can't just turn our backs on it because it proved a tough hill to climb in the exams. Some of us could manage it" Lisa spoke

"Lisa, those tests were at one point trying to teach you more about the significance of colour than the significance of a number" said Skinner.

"Encouraging visual aid also went a long way into building up greater details in our collective consciousness. Think about the big bang, and the negative numbers associated with that" she continued.

"Negative numbers is all we got from the I.Q ratings. The board's mind is made up" said Skinner.

"Pipe down Lisa, the human brain wasn't built for maths" said one of her female classmates.

Those words struck a bitter chord with the young Simpson.

If there was ever a moment of karmic clarity it was this.

Whatever cruel God had orchestrated that remark, it would be up to this efficient Goddess to orchestrate a fitting retaliation.

She would make maths the dish of the day, the talk of the town.

"I think you're not giving the current programme a fair shake, I demand we put it to a challenge. The programme that was, against the programme that will be, we'll see which one yields the most results" she proposed.

Skinner smirked.

"A challenge then" he said, "Very well, saddle up with a partner and we'll pit your side against the most proven of our forthcoming product, Rodd and Todd Flanders"

"Good, I'll hold class auditions and make my choice over the course of the day, we'll be good to go on whatever day you deem fit" Lisa replied

"We want to implement these changes before the week is out….how does tomorrow sound?" Skinner asked

"When I'm done putting my team together, tomorrow will never come for this programme" Lisa replied.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

* * *

Lisa swiftly realized that her bold promises had to be followed by a swift and easy recruitment drive.

That wasn't on the cards. No matter how much she wanted to will it so.

Lisa had hoped things would go well around Gym class, where she could talk to the girls as they lined up to be picked for their respective spots before the guy against gal basketball session commenced.

The only problem was she had no real track record of knowing what her fellow classmates wanted in exchange for collaborating with someone they viewed as a control freak and a show-off.

There had to be an ideal prize, a unique condition, to get any of them to say yes to her.

As the line dwindled further and further as people were picked, Lisa knew she would be picked dead last.

Again.

No one was interested. Nobody wanted to take her side.

She was the voice of reason.

And all she could attract from her peers was reasonless doubt.

Mathematics simply wasn't a romantic notion anyone wanted to entertain.

Not even to prove a point.

Maybe they wanted to spite the maths paper they had been given.

Maybe they wanted to embrace the idea of a simpler course.

It was, after all, as she learned later in the day, a programme devised by Bart's teacher. She taught a very simple class. And barely had any class herself.

She kept a string of students made-to-order in check, fulfilling her motherly duties in the process.

Lisa did admire the idea of extending a mother's reach.

But it was biting into a much more educationally nourishing hand that had been feeding them.

She aimed to still feast from that hand. To clasp it in her own, and join that hand with another, and another, and form a circle.

Even the circumference of a circle, to fit the theme of her mission statement.

Her thoughts may not align with that of her fathers', but she found herself salivating as much as he would at a whole different kind of 'pi'.

A series of loud bangs made her turn to her left.

Situated in the corner of the games hall was Ralph, playing with a basketball as the teacher tried to utter instructions to the rival Basketball teams.

"Lisa, would you mind talking to Ralph for a bit while we outline a game plan?" said Ms. Hoover.

"Will I ever" said Lisa, and dashed up to the slowpoke savant.

"Hi Lisa, I'm counting" said Ralph, locking his eyes to hers as he dribbled the basketball.

"That's a quality skill, you good at numbers?" asked Lisa.

"I like counting up, never down, I don't like divorcing" said Ralph.

"You mean subtracting? Sometimes you need to take something away before you build it back up" Lisa replied.

"You mean numbers can be families again if you make them miss a few?" asked Ralph, "That's how I'd love most normal families to work"

"Sometimes the world isn't built to be exactly like a complex equation" said Lisa.

"I like to count the world in my head, especially in the fields where the sheep live, they help me sleep" said Ralph.

"How many sheep do you count?" asked Lisa.

"Mommy says I'm still counting aloud when she wakes me up" replied Ralph.

"Ralph has your mom ever asked you to do any multiplication?" asked Lisa.

"The silly wrestler in the kilt on TV used to say that, he wouldn't die, he'd just multiply. He said that before he actually died" said Ralph, slightly giggling.

Lisa couldn't help but be completely taken in by Ralph's innocence. It was such a break from the usual trances of logic and clarity that she'd walk about in to make it through a chaotic school day; it allowed her brain to turn ever slightly numb. She used to dread it in her more naive days, but sometimes it helped to relieve her stress levels.

Then he said something that took her by surprise.

"There's always a new number to learn, that's why I liked the old test" said Ralph, "I'll miss it"

"Well, you can fight for it if you want" said Lisa.

"A great idea" said Ms. Hoover, "Ralph, is it alright if you become Lisa's partner for the maths expo tomorrow? I can give you a couple of free hours; you can take the rest of the day

The whole of Gym class burst into laughter.

Lisa looked at Ralph; he looked blankly at her with an unflinching smile, and resumed being fixated by the dribbling basketball.

Lisa sighed.

She could sense the hand that fed her slowly receding from reach.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

The road back home was easy

But what lay forward was hard

For Bart, a dilemma was stirring.

He needn't have to look far.

Before him was a tower.

A black, bold and precious thing

The hard drive of a computer.

And it had felt a sting.

A small problem with the internet

Inactive for several hours.

A few precious minutes would stir it

And then there'd be no power.

Bart had went through a morning of this

And now 'twas almost 'noon.

The evening was about to invite itself in

And he was feeling like a loon.

See, he couldn't find a tangible thread

A physical string to sever

The source of Bart' woes in cyberspace

Was in for some nasty weather

The storm to come rose high above

A pound of flesh struck low

Hammering into the hard and plastic shell

Nothing could suspend the blow.

Everything became unglued.

The screen began to shrink

Bart tried to adjust the size

The cursor froze before a blink.

Bart watched the screen turned blue

And his emotions went down the same route.

He found to his shock as he switched it on and off

The drive refused to boot

Thoughts of what was to come raced through his head

As he processed the pace of time.

A very different set of sums cropped up

The cost of his great crime.

How much would the repair shop make?

From this careless pounding?

Nature's call to play outside

Would be denied by a stern, strict grounding

He realized too swiftly he was on his own

Lisa was far too busy

And to ask Homer to step in

Would be akin to inviting a grizzly.

He became aware of something else

As ideas slipped through his mind

His more rational train of thought

Had slipped into a use of rhyme.

Bart realized why this was.

The old saying ' _rhyme and reason'_

If he could follow this exact pattern.

There would be more cohesion.

A clear and engaged mind at work

To sort out this great muddle

He'd rely on his old magician's tricks

And avoid all kinds of trouble.

He'd use his sister's moral code

And Skinner's eagerness to please

To stipulate an extra prize

For what he felt Lisa could win with ease.

As rhyme and reason came together

And his idea came into form

Bart switched off his damaged goods

And composure resumed the norm.


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER NINE**

* * *

"Ralph, are you going to take anything?" Clancy Wiggum asked his son as he stared at the empty plate

"No, I don't feel like anything" said Ralph.

"Still can't taste anything huh? Why didn't you tell anyone you had the sniffles?"

"Then they would do anything to make me sneeze, like in home economics with the onions" Ralph replied.

"Ralph, onions normally make you cry, not sneeze" said his father.

"I have to go over to Lisas' to study soon"

"Oh no buster, you're not budging from this spot"

Ralph commenced budging as he got off of his seat.

"Well...not out of this room then"

Ralph exited the kitchen.

"House. Out of this house."

Ralph opened the front door and stepped out into the garden.

Wiggum stared out of the window and saw Ralph glancing over at the fences and the padlocked gate before him

"Ralph, if I stop identifying obstacles to you, will you come back?"

"Come back where?"

"The house" said Clancy.

Ralph stepped back into the living room.

Clancy steadily realized what to do next

"Back into the kitchen" he continued

Ralph did as instructed.

"Back on to the seat" ordered his father. Ralph did so.

"Is this where I budge again?" asked Ralph.

"Yes...all the way upstairs this time, you're getting some bed rest to shake off that cold"

"Like that Swift song?" asked Ralph.

"Now I'm really stumped, I'm going to have to call the Simpsons and let Lisa know you're not coming over"

"Can she come over?" asked Ralph.

"Certainly not, she'd catch your cold" said Clancy.

"But I've already got it, I'll keep it from her, honest" said Ralph.

"Colds are not something you can keep prisoner Ralph" said Clancy.

"They must be rich then" Ralph said, "Since they can afford bail"

"I'm sorry Ralph, I know you like her and all, and want to help out, but I can't afford to have that young gal get a visit from the bogeyman" said Clancy, "You understand right?"

"How can you identify a bogey by gender?" asked Ralph.

"You've got to draw the line on taking everything literally son" said Clancy.

"Won't I need chalk for that? It's all back at the school" said Ralph.


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER TEN**

* * *

"Lisa, Ralph's on the phone" Marge yelled as she answered the phone. Lisa stormed down the stairs and took the phone from her mother's grasp.

"Ralph, hey, how are things?" Lisa asked, "You will not believe what my brother did with his computer, it's crazy, he..."

"Lisa I can't come" Ralph replied.

Lisa's mouth dropped.

"You're not serious" she said.

"I have a cold, my Dad doesn't want you to catch it" Ralph continued, "Though I think it runs off my nose so fast I don't think you could"

"It's bound to be a slippery character" said Lisa

"Heh, I guess" Ralph replied. His giggles elevated Lisa's mood strangely, as opposed to his news crushing her spirit.

Something about Ralph's playful naivety always endeared her to him; he could always provide some calming reassurance about the simplicities in life.

He could give you the harshest news and you would instantly work out ways on how to make the world function more in his favour and yours.

He kept the world stable in areas where uncertainty frequently prevailed and brought out such cruel emotions. Lisa, even with the stakes of the test the following day riding on her, she couldn't get angry or feel disappointed. She just wanted to hear him talk, and listen to how the world sounded just to him.

"I'm sorry about us not being study buddies" said Ralph.

"So long as we stay actual buddies, I don't mind" said Lisa.

"We can always pretend" said Ralph.

"Pretend?" asked a curious Lisa.

"Yeah, like those old phone games my Dad used to play when I was little" Ralph replied

"Oh, wait, you mean...of course" Lisa said, understanding and casting her mind back to what felt like decades past. Indeed, she wondered if interactive call games like this existed now.

"Should we play then?" asked Ralph.

"Sure, I'll get my notes ready with all the essential equations we'll be covering...we'll study together over the line, we can't stay on for long though, other members of the family might be needing the phone. Call me every two and a half hours until bedtime...and maybe a little bit beyond"

"Why beyond?" asked Ralph

"In case I desire some pillow talk" teased Lisa.

"My mom always goes pillow shopping with Dad, those places bore me" bemoaned Ralph.

"That wasn't what I meant, but it's better to keep our minds sharpened with bite size revision" Lisa advised.

"Bite size? Do we have to eat our paper? What if I get a cut on my tongue?" asked Ralph.

Lisa slowly but steadily realized the down side of Ralph's naivety.

She also figured it was going to be a long night.

Well into the pillow talk hours.

"Lisa, since I can't go to school tomorrow, how are we going to beat the other team?" Ralph asked.

"Oh don't worry, those boys are religious, they'll understand when I tell them you'll be there in spirit, commanding a voice from on high" Lisa said, cackling to herself.


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

* * *

As the next day came and kids filed into the Elementary assembly hall, Skinner took a peek at the gathering body of students from behind the podium curtain. He turned back around to greet Bart, who had both feet up on a table, leaning back in a chair cracking his knuckles.

"It's never wise to play this kind of game Simpson" said Skinner, his tone of voice echoing frustration.

"Don't mind the way I play Seymour, just go with it" said Bart.

"You know how much is riding on Rodd and Todd's maths program is already" said Skinner, "They can't afford to lose this"

"You set this in motion, trying to please Charmers one way, but deep down you're more than willing to see them lose. Because if they do, and we go back to the old system, then the negative numbers will mean the students get held back every year, which means the same teachers with the same experiences get to hold on to their jobs a bit longer, seeing as it'd be pointless to fit in fresh tutors with the changing face of class" Bart argued.

"We've repeated this cycle a good number of times now, it was only a matter of time before someone slipped out of our Matrix" said Skinner with a sigh.

"Plus, it'll convince Charmers there's still some sway in the old programme if it generates results this one time, making your existing system seem even less obsolete...doesn't matter if it gives you less satisfactory events in future, it's the quintessential story of John Henry's hammer"

Skinner smiled, "You could always surprise her with a little bit of history"

"Any other reason you don't want her system to win? You mad she chose Ned in the end over you?"

"If anything, I guess that I want what she designed to keep in her family to stay that way, Flanders always tries to make everything of his have a celebrity stature about them, it happened with his first wife too...he puts far too much stock in making them into martyrs" Skinner confessed.

"So it's agreed then?" Bart said, exchanging his hand

Skinner reached out and shook it.

"You'll get your new computer Bart, but only if your sister earns it and the reputation of the old system back" Skinner revealed.

"And in return, I'll go into self-hypnosis sessions with Grounds-keeper Willy and gradually drill the awareness of the slipback agenda out of my mind" Bart replied

"They're ready to begin Seymour" said Ms. Hoover as she peeked through the curtain.

"Make your way to your seat Simpson...and be warned, when the fireworks begin, you stand well back from the blue maths paper" Skinner joked.

"Try not to retire when you light it" Bart replied.


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

* * *

"Are we ready to begin?" said Ms. Hoover as Rod, Todd, and Lisa took their seats that stared out at the barely attentive crowd as they engaged in the usual activities that accompany all children that pass through this stage of life.

The approach of gruff, hard-edged military types was enough to cause the commotion to stop and to transfix the crowd with awe-inspired dread and focus. Leading the charge was a man with a smooth complexion, a jagged end of a miniature beard dangling off his square jaw. Lines of scarring formed a chain around his neck.

"Is that...General Robin Crutch?" Skinner asked as he peered through the curtain

"It's him alight" said Hoover

"What is he doing here?" Skinner asked

"I invited them over here" said Superintendent Charmers.

"What does something this basic have to do with the military?" said Skinner

"The General has had a look over this test, he reckons anyone can answer it would make for a perfect qualifier for service when they come of age" explained Charmers., "Surely you're aware of great minds like Lev Semyonivh Pontryagin, who work influenced peace and wartime equally across the 20th century"

"My god...of course, the pontryagin numbers, they're part of the test's equations. Edna, that clever clogs, she was ahead of the curve" Skinner replied in aghast shock

"Those numbers laid the foundation for current global analysis and the differences in geometry, as well as inspire further research into algebraic geometry and number theory" said Charmers.

"I don't know how Ned would feel if his boys won this and suddenly they were considered for the military, he's already lost two women in his life, imagine if his boys were out in the field" Skinner said.

"We're sort of hoping little Lisa will lead the way in that area" continued Charmers.

"She's a bit of a hipster" said Skinner.

"She's had military training in the past, that part of you never truly softens" said Charmers, "She'll make a fine little G.I Jane"

"Where are your pens Lisa?" asked Ms. Hoover as the young Simpson took her seat.

"I was wondering if you wouldn't mind us turning this from something that requires exam paper and relied more on spoken word answers" Lisa replied.

"Explain" asked Hoover.

"My partner's ill, but he'd still like to participate, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind him speaking over the phone?" Lisa replied, pulling up her family's phone, already plugged into the mains.

"That's very considerate Lisa" said Todd.

"I want to call the answers loud and proud" said Rod.

"Very well, let's make this exciting" said Hoover.


	13. Chapter 13: Epilogue

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

 **EPILOUGE:**

 **FIFTEEN YEARS LATER**

* * *

Aztec and Omec Wiggum were so full of energy, they were exhausting themselves merely standing still as they waited at the train station, frequently trying to outdo one another in a game of who could hyper ventilates the most. Their mother had to eventually step in and tell them to cut it out.

"Gee Mom, do you have to be so strict?" asked Aztec as Lisa clipped the back of her neck.

"Yeah, what's Uncle Bart always saying? Don't have...a pony is it?" Replied Omec

"That's what my dad was always telling me...before he finally caved anyway" said Lisa.

"It's cow stupid" said Aztec, elbowing Omec.

"Don't correct your sister like that" said Lisa, again clipping the oldest of her two daughters.

"Ow. Quit it" Aztec yelled back. Lisa smiled as she drifted back into the reaches of her memory to recall the time Bart had to get a jab and said the exact same things to her when she kept prodding at the spot on his elbow where the injection had been.

"Here's Dad's train now" said Omec as a hulking yellow and blue striped bullet train sped through the station's tunnels and eventually came to a stop before them.

The doors opened and people teemed out. The waiting game for the Wiggums finally paid off when a plump man in military gear stepped off the platform and waved innocently at them. The Wiggums all ran over and embraced him.

"Dad, you're back" said Aztec and Omec in synchronicity. Ralph took two dolls out of his pocket and tossed them away.

"What was that for?" said Aztec.

"They were my Sylvania family keeping me company the whole trip, I have my actual one now" said Ralph.

"Oh Dad, we'll take care of them for you, no need to throw anything away" said Omec, and dashed over to pick the toys up.

Ralph took a loving look at Lisa, who gave him an inviting look, one hand on her hip, slouching ever so slightly to the right, and frequently blinking her eyelids to get his attention and keep his gaze transfixed on her.

Slowly but surely, she waltzed over to him, wrapped her arms around his stiff neck, and planted a swift and tender kiss on his lips. The children were, appropriately for their age, naturally grossed out at the embrace.

"There she goes embarrassing us again" said Omec.

As the family walked out of the station and back to the car park, Aztec started tugging at her mom's skirt.

"Mom, could you finish the story you were telling us?" she asked.

"What story? It's not anyone's bed time yet" said Ralph.

"I was just telling the kids about the maths challenge, the battle of wits we had with the Flanders" Lisa said.

"Isn't that how Dad got in the military?" asked Aztec.

"Don't spoil the ending" replied Omec as the family unlocked the car doors and filed in.

"It's never the result you're interested in, it's the journey getting there" said Aztec.

"Yeah...come on mom, you told us most of it on the way up here, now finish it" Omec replied, "And do it in rhyme, like you did when you told us about Uncle Bart and the computer"

"I love rhymes, you're very creative at it" chimed in Ralph.

"Ok, ok, I'll cave" said Lisa, clearing her throat and thinking of various rhyming combinations. Once she had settled on a specific pattern, she began.

"The questions were finetic and furious.

The new system proved a test

Rodd and Todd's answers were quite on-point

They were in no initial need to rest

What neither of them weren't privy to

And this extends to Mommy

Was that Daddy had done some more research..."

"I've got a funny tummy" Ralph added, interrupting her.

"Quiet dear, I'm almost there

And this ending is no bummer

What got you where you are today

Was by lining up perfect numbers.

What I later found to my surprise

Was the school had made a guess

That I would answer questions on the new system out aloud

And embarrass Edna's best

I have to admit I was tempted

Especially when they slipped

But I was then bamboozled by a question asked

That Ralph wasn't able to miss.

The question asked that of the numbers that could divide and then add up.

Ralph's responses were note perfect

Aztec, don't play with the cups" Lisa said as she noticed in her car mirror her daughter was rummaging through the grocery bags.

"Your Dad replied the perfect numbers could divide and add into six and eight

Perfect numbers are like perfect men

Rare to find, left up to fate.

By combining numbers one, two three, six was easily covered

I cast my mind back to what he'd told me days before

That there was always a new number, and another, and another

He recited the equation that earned him the spots, one composed of four digits

A sum that added up to itself, naturally impressing them because it was narcissistic.

The process had been exhausting, but when time was finally called

Me and Ralph declared the winners, Ned Flanders was appalled.

It took him a few years to come to terms, but what I think mattered most

Was that the tutors saw that Ralph's answers were more simplistic..."

"I think I want some toast" Ralph said as he looked in the grocery bags and found his wife had bought a toaster.

"The simple case of adding and dividing the same

Had gotten everyone thinking

Impressive still was the old system

And this question had kept it from sinking

So Edna's test was tabled

Me and Ralph were given an offer.

To join forces in the military elite.

And live life a little rougher.

We turned it down for our own reasons

'Relish the opportunity' was their top tip

More of life got in the way

And then we had you kids.

When you were younger and more free

Your dad chose to take the offer

He served as a top binary tactician..."

"I learned that from my mother" Ralph replied.

"This isn't a very well structured rhyme..." said Aztec as the Wiggum's car pulled into the drive-way of their home on Evergreen Terrace.

"Disjointed and in disarray, to the creative it's a crime" replied Omec.

"We didn't even get to know what any of the questions were for Rodd and Todd; you just focused on your own thing. A bit underwhelming given all the build-up" Aztec continued.

"You can only go with what we go through, besides I told you, the school wanted me to bellow out the answers to their questions, as if they figured I'd researched both systems" Lisa added

"And DID you?" probed Aztec

Lisa gave her a wink.

"Pride comes before a fall and your dad saved me from tripping that time" Lisa said.

As the family piled out of the car and headed into the house, Lisa noticed Ned Flanders walking along the curb. She waved over to him.

"Hello Ned" said Lisa

"Oh, hi Lisa you little ladiddlylady, is that your husband back from service?" Ned replied

"Yeah, they did a great job looking after him" Lisa said, "How are the boys?"

"Oh they're fine. Just wish they'd write to me a lot more often. They heard Ralph was coming home over the last few days, I think it stirred up some unwanted memories of how they failed their mom..."

"They didn't fail Edna Mr. Flanders, they were willing to challenge the way the system worked, I was opposed to it, but I still respected it"

"I teach it at my evening classes now" Ned replied.

"That's great Ned, at least her legacy matters most to those that get an education out of it" Lisa continued, and then swiftly moved into the house as the commotion from within it picked up.

Ned watched her go inside, and then stared lovingly at the sky.

"Edna my dear, no matter how big or how small the success of your system is to this community, you will always be the perfect number to me. A perfect ten. A perfect ten"

 **THE END**


End file.
